For Sunday, March 2, 2008                                        Drummer Column, Gibbs, 811 words

 

Taking time to stop and smell the contractors

 

     “O.K. We’ll go, but we’re not buying anything. Agreed?”

     “Agreed.”

     “Nothing. Not one solitary thing.”

     “Right. Nothing. We’re just looking. Window shopping.”

     “Exactly. It’s going to cost five dollars to park. That’s our limit.”

     Thus our conversation tumbled out last weekend as Susan and I drove toward the Home and Garden Show at the Solano County Fairgrounds in Vallejo.

     It doesn’t matter who said what in that conversation because we were in agreement. Our budget is limited to bills, food, and fossil fuels.

     Notice some tense shifting between past and present verbs. Ideals are eternal. Our resolve was adamant, initially.

     Keep in mind this wasn’t a craft fair. It was not about knick knacks, baubles and porcelain statuettes of painted ladies in hoopskirts holding parasols. This show was all about house and home, living quarters, daily comforts, daily needs. I would have called it the Mostly Essentials Trade Fair.

     We barely made it in the door to the first booth before I said, “Oh, honey, look at that. We need that. We’ve needed that for years.”

     “True. True. Let’s move on. We can always come back.”

     Twenty steps later Susan said, “Now, that I like. That makes a lot of sense. Honey, this would be a wise investment.”

     “Wow. Look over there. I’ve never seen anything like it. Follow me. It’s a new invention. We have to have it. It will save us money.”

     “Oh, isn’t that beautiful? Come here. That would really finish off the dining room.”

     “Hon, can you see that in our back yard? I can.” I said and went bounding off to the big back wall display. Susan turned right and disappeared down aisle two, where I heard her say, “Oooh. Oooh.” Then she walked quickstep back to find me, fluttering her hands, grinning, beckoning me to follow her. “You’ve got to see this. You won’t believe it. They’re using our exact kitchen as the ‘before’ picture.”

     “Um. Nice. That’s the look. We need that in time for Cinco de Mayo. Geez, oh, man, look down there. See at the end? It’s the thing, the thing above all things.”

     And so it went through the afternoon, from booth to booth. We fluttered about like honeybees in a flower garden, soaking up brochures and signing on for free home estimates. We became hypnotized with the practicality of the ambiance.

     I’ve had a string of estimators and sales people at my house throughout the week. All told we may be into this home improvement hysteria for about ten grand. Where does it come from? I guess it will fly out with the monkeys.

     Here’s what we bought. A company named LeafGuard makes an ingenious never-clog gutter. It has a solid aluminum cover over the gutter pan. This cover is curved at the outer edge and tucks underneath. Water follows the curve under, while the leaves fall harmlessly to the ground. I have a towering maple tree in my front yard that goes bald every year. “I’ll take one.”

     We hired Natural Light Inc to install another solar tube. We have two already. I bought one for this dark den. The new tube has an electric light and opaque plates inside. I can light up the night, or lower the plates and block the sun in the day. That’s perfect if my den becomes a bedroom again someday. I also bought two solar roof fans for cooling my attic air in the hot summer. Pay once and I’m done. They whir silently all day every day. I’m disconnecting my 30-year old, rumbling, rattling, electric bill-killer fans.

     Granite Transformations makes solid-slab granite counters that adhere to existing counter tops. No need to tear anything out. They just drop new tops over old tile. Slip, slap, slam, and you’re done. Theirs was the demo that had our white tile countertops in their ‘before’ display.

     In fact, the estimator for the counters called me while I was typing that last paragraph. What are the odds of that? She was parked in front of my house. I peeked out my den window and waved at her. She came in and she just left. Susan and I went ooh and aah over our color choices. We decided to go with a granite sink as well. What the heck, eh? As long as we’re in it up to our necks, might as well get our hair wet.

     You see, ten years ago I tiled our kitchen. It was my first tile job. It shows. It looks OK, but barely. The grout is too high, too wide and gets dirty. My contractor friends laugh at me when they see it. Laymen visitors don’t notice – or if they do, they are being polite. At last I’ll be able to cover over my daily embarrassment. There will be peace in the valley.

     I’m seriously looking at that artificial grass.